Last week, during my dance class, I witnessed something that stayed with me long after the music stopped. Our instructor is a seasoned professional, a highly respected name in her industry, known for her talent, experience, and ability to bring out the best in her students.
Yet, something changed. A newcomer to the class made a few comments comparing her to a previous instructor. Nothing extraordinary. Just a comparison. But what followed was extraordinary.
Our instructor, who usually led with confidence, energy, and precision, suddenly seemed distracted. She kept looking in the mirror, searching for the newcomer’s reaction. Her attention shifted from the music to the person watching her. She missed the rhythm. Her movements became less fluid. Her confidence seemed to waver. And gradually, the entire class of fifteen people began losing its rhythm too.
One person’s judgment had unsettled an accomplished professional. And that professional’s loss of confidence had affected an entire group.
Throughout the session, I kept wondering: How could someone so experienced, so talented, and so accomplished lose her anchor because of a few comments?
And then, my thoughts traveled from the dance studio to the corporate world.
When External Judgment Becomes an Internal Compass
Over more than 25 years in executive leadership, I have witnessed this pattern repeatedly. Highly capable leaders, with years of experience and proven accomplishments, suddenly questioning their decisions because someone expressed doubt.
- CEOs reconsidering a strategic direction because of one influential voice.
- Executives changing their leadership style to gain the approval of someone close to them.
- Founders abandoning their instincts because a stakeholder challenged their credibility.
- Leaders who once acted with conviction gradually becoming preoccupied with how they were perceived.
And the consequences rarely stopped with them.
When a leader loses their internal anchor, the entire organization can lose its direction. Just as our instructor’s distraction disrupted the rhythm of fifteen dancers, a leader’s insecurity can ripple through teams, decisions, relationships, and ultimately organizational performance.
The leader becomes hesitant. The team becomes uncertain. Decisions slow down. Priorities shift. Energy is redirected from performance to reassurance. And sometimes, without anyone realizing it, the organization begins dancing to the rhythm of someone who was never meant to lead it.
The Invisible Cost of Seeking Approval
There is nothing wrong with listening to feedback. In fact, the ability to receive feedback, question our assumptions, and remain open to different perspectives is essential to effective leadership. But there is a fundamental difference between being open to feedback and becoming dependent on approval.
Feedback is information. Judgment is someone else’s interpretation. Neither should automatically become our identity. Yet, even accomplished leaders are human.
Experience does not make us immune to self-doubt. Success does not eliminate our need for recognition. And authority does not protect us from the emotional impact of criticism. Sometimes, the opinion of one person can outweigh the appreciation of hundreds. Not because that person is necessarily right, but because their words touch an insecurity we may not even recognize.
This is where self-leadership becomes essential.
Leadership by Design Begins With an Internal Anchor
A leader’s internal anchor is not arrogance, stubbornness, or the refusal to listen.
- It is the ability to remain connected to one’s values, purpose, capabilities, and judgment, even when challenged.
- It is knowing the difference between what someone thinks of me and who I know myself to be.
- It is the ability to reflect without collapsing, adapt without losing one’s identity, and remain open without becoming directionless.
For leaders, I believe three questions are worth revisiting:
- Whose opinion has more influence over my decisions than it should? Am I responding to valuable insight, or seeking someone’s approval?
- What happens to my leadership when I feel judged? Do I become defensive, hesitant, controlling, or disconnected from my strengths?
- Who helps me reconnect with myself when I lose perspective? Who can challenge my thinking while continuing to believe in my potential?
The third question is perhaps the most important.
The Power of Someone Who Believes in You
That dance class reminded me why I am deeply grateful for my coaching profession. Behind every accomplished leader is a human being who, at times, may question their own capabilities. Someone who carries expectations, responsibilities, fears, and doubts that are rarely visible to others. And sometimes, what that person needs most is not another opinion, another evaluation, or another piece of advice.
They need someone who can see their potential even when they temporarily lose sight of it themselves.
- Someone who listens without judgment.
- Who challenges without diminishing.
- Who creates the space to rediscover clarity, confidence, and perspective.
- Someone who believes in their capacity to find their own answers, without needing to take control of their decisions.
This, to me, is one of the most meaningful dimensions of coaching. Not creating dependence on another person’s reassurance, but helping leaders rebuild trust in themselves. Because the ultimate objective is not to become the voice they constantly need to hear. It is to help them rediscover the voice within themselves that they can trust.
A Final Reflection
I walked into that dance class expecting to learn a few new steps. I walked out with a powerful reminder about leadership.
The strongest leaders are not those who never lose their rhythm. They are those who recognize when they have allowed someone else’s judgment to disrupt it—and know how to find their way back. And blessed are those who, along the journey, encounter someone who believes in them when their own belief temporarily fades. Someone who reminds them of who they are, without telling them who they should become.
Because leadership is not about dancing to everyone’s expectations. It is about knowing your own rhythm well enough to lead others without losing yourself.